[Topspinmo]

Originally Posted by Boomer

“You can never truly know somebody until you have to share an inheritance with them.”

That’s what a friend of mine told me after she had gone through a lot of family dynamics and drama over an inheritance.

I guess that happens a lot more often than it doesn’t.

(Correctly using beneficiaries on accounts should help to avoid problems for heirs. Might not avoid hard feelings but should get accounts where intended, immediately. I think that is correct, but I am not a lawyer.)

Boomer

That’s cause in these times most think they are deserving. And when money involved greed takes over.

[manaboutown]

My parents had a joint will executed in NM. When my mother experienced health issues they moved to WA where my brother, who resided there, had found them a wonderful living facility. My mother soon passed away and her interest in their estate went to my father. My brother took my father to a local attorney to look over the will and make sure all was well with his intentions to pass his estate 50-50 to my brother and me. Somehow, he signed a codicil naming my brother primary executor. Maybe the attorney suggested this as I was not a resident of WA. I really don't know. Dad was 89 years old at the time and in good shape mentally for that age but after a few days of going over the document he had signed he became quite upset and called me to tell me that was not what he wanted to do. He wanted me as the primary executor. He asked me to call the attorney which I did, a very nice lady, by the way. She told me he would have to come in and tell her that he wanted me as the primary and sign a new codicil which of course I knew he had to do. Anyway, they got it done. I called the attorney afterward to verify and asked her if he had made himself clear. She responded "He made himself PERFECTLY clear!" lol

[vintageogauge]

Originally Posted by manaboutown

My parents had a joint will executed in NM. When my mother experienced health issues they moved to WA where my brother, who resided there, had found them a wonderful living facility. My mother soon passed away and her interest in their estate went to my father. My brother took my father to a local attorney to look over the will and make sure all was well with his intentions to pass his estate 50-50 to my brother and me. Somehow, he signed a codicil naming my brother primary executor. Maybe the attorney suggested this as I was not a resident of WA. I really don't know. Dad was 89 years old at the time and in good shape mentally for that age but after a few days of going over the document he had signed he became quite upset and called me to tell me that was not what he wanted to do. He wanted me as the primary executor. He asked me to call the attorney which I did, a very nice lady, by the way. She told me he would have to come in and tell her that he wanted me as the primary and sign a new codicil which of course I knew he had to do. Anyway, they got it done. I called the attorney afterward to verify and asked her if he had made himself clear. She responded "He made himself PERFECTLY clear!" lol

A good attorney is crucial. We went to one that was highly recommended and he cut so many corners that we had to go back 3 times to get our trusts in order. After the third visit for him to correct his mistakes he sent us another bill, I called and told him that his bill was exactly the same as the bill we were sending him for making 3 more trips to his office because of his negligence. Case closed.

[Justputt]

Attorney fees for settling an estate aren't cheap. I would approach your dad about how poorly your mom's estate was handled (examples) and suggest he change his will for multiple executors (all you siblings) and wording that requires agreement BEFORE any asset dispersion. My father was specific with some things and more general with others, but it all starts with an appraisal of the estate at the time of death. After your father's specific bequeaths are handled, suggest a round-robin selection where heirs select items based on their $ share of the estate and the appraised value of the items selected. That way the $ value distribution was equal. In our case, if two couldn't agree on who would get an item, it went for auction, and they bided against each other for it. As is, worst case you would have to sue the executor for violating their fiduciary responsibilities, and given their past history, should be a slam dunk.

[Villagesgal]

My brother was Executor when my father passed in Colorado and basically stole everything. Colorado law is in favor of the Executor. My brother was named Executor when my mother passed in California and again tried to steal everything giving things away to his children who showed up with a uhaul truck before I flew out. California requires the Executor to be a fiduciary. I contacted the probate lawyer stating that he broke the terms of the Will and that I would have him arrested if he didn't stop him and pay me my full share. The probate attorney spoke with him, my brother paid me fully for what he had given away, showed me everything financial after that and was told if he tried anything again he would be arrested. Things went well after that, it was a quite large estate. That was 4 years ago. He broke off all contact with me as did his wife and family, but I'm fine with that. Any sibling who would so easily steal from you and totally disregard the wishes of their parent is not anyone I would care to have in my life. Check the laws and rules for Executors in your state and then do what you have to do.

[jimjamuser]

Deaths without perfect wills and executors often generate family animosity. After my grandfather died, my father stopped taking to one of his brothers over who should get what from the estate. Estates often ruin family relationships.

[Slainte]

You might consider filing for Guardianship of your Mom in order to stop the financial decline. You should prevail easily with much less legal costs, if he’s risking Mom’s future care. I’ve seen this happen often with trusts that do not provide a Trust Protector (checks on the Trustee’s following trust instructions & the issuance of annual financial reports by Trustees). I wouldn’t go the route of challenging Trustee to recoup $, I’d file for Guardianship which is, normally, a lower Court who will focus on future care of Mom with $ needed for Mom’s care (recouping $, if necessary, should be easier as Guardian.). I hope it works out quickly; there’s terrible stress in situations such as this. The wording of the Trust is important, though it should not be the prime focus in Guardianship determination - only in that Mom will be left with no resources to maintain her needs. Check for a Guardianship attorney in the area.

[Slainte]

Originally Posted by AMB444

My father is in his mid 90's. My older sib sister is "executor of estate". In our generation this was given to the eldest regardless of whether they could handle the task.

When mom passed my sib was granted "executor" but handled it badly. My sister didn't care about family memoribilia, antique family photos, childhood pics of family. My children and myself were left out and my sister kept jewelry for herself and her daughter than sent pic of what was left for me.

She had first access and actually told mom's friends to go into mom's house to take out what they wanted without consulting me. The house was cleaned out and I was sent pics of the few items left.

She gave mom's car away to a "friend" of mom's that only showed up 6 months before when mom had 4 stage cancer diagnosis.

Is there anyway to help when dad passes with a much larger estate. It's hard after all these years that my sister would do this.. please be respectful in your comments. Thank you so much.

I presumed Dad was now incapacitated & legally unable to change the executor. If Dad is competent to sign an addendum to his Will, changing executors, have Dad go to an attorney to change the named Executor - best if he went to the original attorney if there is a chance of a contest by sister).
As long as Dad is competent, he can change anything/everything. Help Dad get to an attorney.

[AMB444]

Originally Posted by jimbomaybe

My understanding is that the executor has a fiduciary responsibility , a very high standard that carries criminal as well as civil liabilities for failure to protect and act in the best interest of any beneficiaries, it would follow as a beneficiary you have the right to see all the documentation of their actions. Pointing out those responsibilities to the executor could make them more thoughtful of their actions .

Yes, thank you to all that responded! It's so heartbreaking many of the things we've all been through.

Jimbomaybe: thanks so much. This is the answer I was hoping for. My sib just handed me the bill and "handled the estate". Which was small.

But dads' estate will be much larger. How do I go about making sure she handled it right by Dad? I don't want a text again about "how much I owe her" for handling of estate.

I need a lawyer this time with this amount... and not sure where to begin.

Thanks all for your reflections on how you all went through your own journeys.

[AMB444]

Originally Posted by Slainte

I presumed Dad was now incapacitated & legally unable to change the executor.

Yes, thank you. This is exactly what's happening now.

When I just spoke with him a few days ago he had to ask a few times where I was living (Florida) and when my birthday was. He asked a few times where my kids were (we spoke many times in the last few weeks, they are at college).

There is no way to talk to dad about older sib "executor".

[Whatnext]

No arguments when we are gone. We have spent it all.

[gorillarick]

Yeah, you might find out what sociopath trash you have for a sibling.

[JoelJohnson]

When my wife's mother died, her father remarried less than a year later to a woman that had no children. When she died her niece was the executor. My wife was in the will, but the niece never contacted us (even though we hadn't moved for several years). We only found out about it though one of the woman's sisters (that liked us). We found out about the lawyer and contacted him. We got about 10% of the "estate". That was AFTER the niece bought the house at "fair market value". Her car was also sold (not part of the estate), etc. Did we get screwed out of our "fair share", maybe, but we lived in FL and they lived in RI. Since my wife had no direct relationship with the woman, we felt we had no option but to accept the amount we got. The funny thing is that my wife's father said that he would "take care of her", but we never saw a will and the lawyer that her father used had died years earlier. I'm very sure the niece made out VERY WELL!

[ElDiabloJoe]

Originally Posted by JoelJohnson

When my wife's mother died, her father remarried less than a year later to a woman that had no children. When she died her niece was the executor. My wife was in the will, but the niece never contacted us (even though we hadn't moved for several years). We only found out about it though one of the woman's sisters (that liked us). We found out about the lawyer and contacted him. We got about 10% of the "estate". That was AFTER the niece bought the house at "fair market value". Her car was also sold (not part of the estate), etc. Did we get screwed out of our "fair share", maybe, but we lived in FL and they lived in RI. Since my wife had no direct relationship with the woman, we felt we had no option but to accept the amount we got. The funny thing is that my wife's father said that he would "take care of her", but we never saw a will and the lawyer that her father used had died years earlier. I'm very sure the niece made out VERY WELL!

VERY similar thing going on with Mrs. EDJ's father's estate now. When the mother of 5 died in 2016 at age 81, "Papa," aged 85 wasted little time romancing a non-English speaking illegal alien who was the age of his youngest daughter (50 at the time). Marries her a few years later in 2019. The new wife has a daughter or a niece - unsure which. She has claimed both. On some legal documents she has claimed no previous children. We suspect she claimed her as a daughter when she came over the border when she was really a niece. DACA'd now.

Fast forward to 2025. "Papa" dies in April in California at age 91. The new wife reluctantly shared the Trust and Will documents with the eldest sibling. Turns out the Will was initially set to offer the 5 adult children next to nothing, but was amended in 2023 to grant each of the 5 adult children $50,000 each. New wife signed off on the Will, Trust, and Amendment documents, and a lawyer was involved. Would be possible but difficult to claim she was unaware of what she was signing due to language barrier. It appears new wife gets to keep the family home. A little tiny 1100 sq ft house from the 1940's with a single car garage that was long ago converted into the home's living room. Originally purchased for peanuts and long ago paid off, now valued at damn near $900,000! What can I say, East L.A. is gentrifying. Of course there are those on here that swear a primary home is not an investment. Well, it's certainly an appreciating asset if you buy early enough in the right region.

Digressing...

We understand the new wife is legally obligated to fulfill the terms of the Will. Who knows. Papers arrived early June as they are legally supposed to (copy of the Trust and legal language regarding the time to contest). Still waiting on that 4 month contestation period to end to see if $50k actually arrives. Not holding my breath. We'll see.

As for me, my elderly mother is 95.5, also in California. My older brother is the executor. I am the backup executor even though there is a sister between us in age. My brother and I have a good relationship, I'm expecting the division of assets to go smoothly between the three of us. Fingers crossed more and more tightly as that eventuality grows ever more near. Wish me luck!