In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have $hit in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary Clinton. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

Joe feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So he moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, '"Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


'For God sake, Joe, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Originally Posted by Guest

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have $hit in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary Clinton. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

Sure are a lot of anti-Clinton jokes on this thread. Let's get some anti-Trump on here.

How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education? By renaming it Trump University. What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy? "Let me see your birth certificate". If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have? The Trump Card.

Just some of these good jokes about Donald John Trump.

source: Donald Trump President Jokes - Donald Trump Jokes

ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.


CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.


INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.




MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.


JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.


ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No third date!


The POINT?
'DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH'

Originally Posted by wackadoodle

Sure are a lot of anti-Clinton jokes on this thread. Let's get some anti-Trump on here.

Key word = lot

There might be 2 or 3 Clinton jokes on this thread, hardly what I would consider to be a "lot".

Post any joke you wish. Hopefully you got something funny, not just your usual awkwardly weird crap...

If you're black you literally have to be a brain surgeon to get a Trump cabinet post. What does Melania see in Donald Trump? "Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!" Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister? Because he never pays his debts. Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President? By hunting and killing their own hair piece. Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania? Because all his other wives support Hillary. Fear is the Path to the dark side. Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, and Hate leads to the Republican Nomination.

More Trump jokes.

source: Donald Trump President Jokes - Donald Trump Jokes

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries at the Winn Dixie, the cashier instructed,
"Strip down, facing me".

Making a mental note so I could complain to manager about this unnecessary security rubbish for seniors, I did just as she instructed.

After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should position my credit card!

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural South Carolina. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did,"the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't...But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Paddy sent a text to his wife,

"Colleen, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.

If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this message again."

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....

'Your house'

Originally Posted by Guest

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural South Carolina. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did,"the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself."

"President Trump is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't...But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."

I changed this to relate to 2017.

What has 24 eyes and 19 teeth? ----------->> The front row of a Merle Haggard concert.