Originally Posted by Guest

I changed this to relate to 2017.

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural South Carolina.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did,"

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself."

"The Clintons are dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well, knowin's them to be useless as teats on a bore hog, and figuring I could blame it all on them video things, I did my patriotic duty and buried them anyway.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

> tips from the redneck book of manners
>
> 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
>
> 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
>
> 3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
>
> 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
>
> 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
> considered tacky to drive a u-haul to the funeral home.

>
> dining out
>
> 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
> covering the label.
>
> 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may
> not have dogs.

>
> entertaining in your home
>
> 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
> taxidermist.
>
> 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners
> are.

>
> personal hygiene
>
> 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
> done in private using one's own truck keys
>
> 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
> however, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
>
> 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
> to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

>
> dating (outside the family)
>
> 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
>
> 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'i've been wanting to go
> out with you since i read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
> ago.'
>
> 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
> say 10:00 pm; others might say 'monday.' if the latter is the answer, it
> is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
>
> 4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,
> 'ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.’

>
> weddings
>
> 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
>
> 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
>
> 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
> and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
>
> 4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special
> occasion.
>
> 5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the
> sack.

>
> driving etiquette
>
> 1. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
> always has the right of way.
>
> 2. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
>
> 3. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is
> impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
>
> 4. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
>
> 5. Do not lay (burn) rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Two reasons why it is hard to solve a redneck murder:

1. All the dna is the same.

2. There are no dental records,

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and
they had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys
from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom,
how is it possible that you told me the human race was
created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you
about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the
kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something
and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod ............... and how was your day?
This is what happens when old people start using technology!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year old kids off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million ****ed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

DIVORCE SETTLEMENT

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.


When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first, all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The* maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided

they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut

their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ..and..................just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

Some of your posts are downright hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!

Originally Posted by Guest

Some of your posts are downright hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!

And some are funny too!

Glad you enjoy them. More to come


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