Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water - to surprise my liver.

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter' she said.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back and went 'Ffffff! Ffffff! Ffffff!'
but before she could say 'F*ck off!' the Rottweiler ate her!

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.
Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very
little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pi$$ in your eye."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

What is the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has the most stories.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What do you call a South American librarian who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina.
What do you call a teacher who never farts in the library? A private tutor.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.

A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?"
"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."
"What?"
"Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."
"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, a$$hole?"

A guy calls the librarian and says "When does the Library open?"
And the librarian says "At nine o'clock and why are you calling me at midnight to get in?"
The guy says "I don't want to get in I want to get out."

A blonde walks into a library and shouts "I'LL HAVE A COKE PLEASE."
The librarian says, "This is a Library."
The blonde says, "Yes I know. I'LL HAVE A COKE PLEASE."
And the librarian says, one more time, "This is a library Miss."
The blonde goes "Oh," and whispers, "I'll have a coke please!"

One day the Library was lonely with no one in it for the librarian to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching "bouk bouk." The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching "bouk bouk." The librarian once again jumps up and gives each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then again for the third time the chicken return screeching "bouk bouk" But this rime being suspicious the librarian gives each chicken only one book because they have still have not returned the other books. As the chickens leave the librarian slowly follows behind to see where all the books are going. The chickens come to a stop and start throwing the books into a pond where some frogs grab the books and throw them behind their back croaking "red-it red-it"

A blonde lady walks into a library one day. She is wearing a short short skirt and you can smell her perfume from a mile away. She is carrying with her an extremely large book. She walks up to the librarian desk, slams the book down and shouts, "this is the worst book I ever read!","there are no pictures,the words are too small and its so god damn big!". The librarian slowly looks up at the blonde and says.."So your the one that stole our phone book"

How many catalogers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Just one, but he has to wait to see how the Library of Congress did it.

Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
Because she was in the non-friction section.

What happens when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
A: You get all the information you want, but you can't understand it.

What is the difference between a Librarian and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

86. “Trump had medical deferment [during Vietnam] … he had inter-rectum cranial inversion — which means his head is up his ass.” – Jay Leno

87. “This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya… we had constant run-ins on the soccer field. He wasn’t very good and he resented it.” – Barack Obama

88. “What a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight. I'm so sorry; Donald Trump said that. It's getting trickier and trickier to satirize this stuff.” — Julia Louis Dreyfus

89. “Now, you might say he’d make a terrible president. I mean, the guy bankrupted his own casino. A casino! Where the House always wins! Unless it’s Donald Trump’s house!”—Lewis Black

90. “Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That's right, Trump appeals to Nevada's key demographic — people who've declared bankruptcy.”—Conan O'Brien

91. “Yes. He was still an odd person then… to me, Donald Trump is not a rich man. Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. Like Trump was walking around under an underpass, and he heard some guy like ‘Ohh, as soon as my number comes in, I’m gonna put up tall buildings with my name on ’em! I’ll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire Gene Simmons with my children.’ And Trump was like ‘That is how I will live my life.'” – John Mulaney

92. “[Donald Trump’s] not good at running for president, he’s just good at ‘Family Feud.’ And these other people are terrible at ‘Family Feud.’ So when the Steve Harvey of this election is like ‘Name something that is bothering Americans,’ and Ted Cruz is like ‘Benghazi!’ [buzzer noise]. But then Trump is like ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the number one answer.”—John Mulaney

93. “Donald Trump can seem appealing until you take a closer look, much like the lunch buffet at a strip club, or the NFL or having a pet chimpanzee,” he added. “Sure it seems fun, but some day Coco is gonna tear your ****ing limbs off.”—John Oliver

Trump jokes.