Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight . "I need to talk to the president, it's an emergency!", exclaimed Hillary.


After some cajoling, the President's assistant agreed to wake him up.

"So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?", grumbled Trump.

" A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place.", begged Hillary.

"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the mortuary.", replied President Trump.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,"What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet. ......
Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.....
$hit on the paper.......

It just hit me!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~

My dog is a CONGRESSMAN!

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.*So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."

"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

FAMOUS INVENTIONS

The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota, but twenty years later an North Dakotan invented the hole in it.
------------------------------------------------

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.'
-------------------------------------

THAT'S HER!

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep, dat's her!'

--------------------------------
VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400' said the first Norwegian.

'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'

-------------------------------------


THE RELATIONS

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. 'Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations?' He asked.

'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,' replied Lena . 'I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.'
-------------------------------------

MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars.

'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.
-------------------------------------

THE PRANK CALL

The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. 'Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here' he says and hangs up.

'Who vas dat?' asks Lena .

'I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear. ’
-------------------------------

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.

So Ole drove to Dulute.
-------------------------------

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Alexandria, Minnesota . The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said,'Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked.'

'Yah, I know,' said Ole. 'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Der vas boys and girls.' \

'Is that right?', his policeman friend asked.

'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom! 'So vee all go into the bedroom....where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' 'Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'

I guess I'm the first one here!

How and why has this thread survived?

Personal Best Regards:

Originally Posted by Guest

How and why has this thread survived?

Personal Best Regards:

Because everyone likes a good joke?

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.

Originally Posted by Guest

How and why has this thread survived?

Personal Best Regards:

It is very offensive to me that Dirtbanker titled it this way. Seems like harassment to me. And bullying.

The Male Cycle

(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

When Obama died, George Washington met him
at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the
face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy
the Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose
and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but
you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and
said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, he beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical socialist leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said? You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"

Originally Posted by Guest

It is very offensive to me that Dirtbanker titled it this way. Seems like harassment to me. And bullying.

Is there a punch line for this joke? I don't get it.

Originally Posted by Guest

How and why has this thread survived?

Personal Best Regards:

Probably because the Moderator rarely looks at anything on the Political Forum as many of these jokes are rancid. Fall Back Down - Rancid [Official Music Video] - YouTube

Originally Posted by Wackadoodle

Probably because the Moderator rarely looks at anything on the Political Forum as many of these jokes are rancid. Fall Back Down - Rancid [Official Music Video] - YouTube

Keep looking...adds views to the thread...thanks!