[Bjeanj]

Just a quick note to ColdNoMore-so glad you started this thread! Love all the contributions & think the contributors are hilarious!

[ColdNoMore]

Originally Posted by Bjeanj

Just a quick note to ColdNoMore-so glad you started this thread! Love all the contributions & think the contributors are hilarious!

Glad you like it.

Would like to see more contributors though...as there's a lot of good jokes out there.






A man walks into a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo...is just one dog.




It was a...Shih Tzu.

[ColdNoMore]

The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?”

“Yes,” replies the woman.

“Did you hit him with the golf club?”

“Yes, I did,” sobs the woman.

“How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective.

“I don’t know,” she replies. “Five, six, maybe seven times"....




..."Oh look, just put me down for a five.”

[Polar Bear]

...

[Ralphy]

A very old couple that have been married forever is sitting on their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, 'What was that
for?' She says, 'For having a little p*cker.'

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.

She crawls back and says, 'What was that for?' He says, 'For knowing there was more than one size.'

[Bjeanj]

As the hostess at a casino buffet showed me to the table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband. I started to describe him.
“He has grey hair, wears glasses, and has a potbelly ...”

She stopped me there. “Honey, todays Senior Day. They all look like that.”

[Bjeanj]

While he was visiting, my father asked for the WiFi password. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.

After three failed attempts to login, he said,

Am I spelling this right?

T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M”?

[dewilson58]

Looks right to me.

[Barefoot]

I haven't real all 143 posts, so please forgive me if this is a duplicate.



Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing

[Ecuadog]

Now... That's funny.

[CFrance]

You can probably guess the end of this one.

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, "Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff.

I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[graciegirl]

Originally Posted by CFrance

You can probably guess the end of this one.

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, "Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff.

I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

I would laugh but seems like our family attracts them. Disclaimer. I am not a lawyer and I sleep with the gardener.

[dewilson58]

Originally Posted by graciegirl

and I sleep with the gardener.

[Taltarzac725]

Originally Posted by CFrance

You can probably guess the end of this one.

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, "Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff.

I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

But who would be the judge or jury in this matter? I actually know a few lawyers who are pretty good people by-in-large.

[billethkid]

Have you heard the old one.......

What is a crying shame?
A bus full of lawyers going over the railing of a bridge ........................................with an empty seat!!!

Badda-bump-de-bump-tish