[dewilson58]

[ColdNoMore]

Q: Have you heard they found a dead guy...with his head buried in his cornflakes?



A: The police believe it was a cereal killer.

[tomwed]

[an old favorite of mine]
A woman is being sentenced for steeling a jar of pickles. The judge says "I'm giving you 7 weeks. One for each pickle in the jar."
From the gallery her husband speaks up. "She stole a can of peas too."

[Taltarzac725]

Originally Posted by tomwed

[an old favorite of mine]
A woman is being sentenced for steeling a jar of pickles. The judge says "I'm giving you 7 weeks. One for each pickle in the jar."
From the gallery her husband speaks up. "She stole a can of peas too."

"Take my wife, please." Take My Wife, Please! | Psychology Today

[tomwed]

Originally Posted by Taltarzac725

"Take my wife, please." Take My Wife, Please! | Psychology Today

I just remembered I got it wrong----look it up----the husband is on trial.

either way---the first time i heard the joke i didn't see it coming--that's what makes me laugh

[Ralphy]

9 months later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

[ColdNoMore]

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender, "set up 10 shots of whiskey."

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"





The man looks up and says... "Apparently my wife does."

[ColdNoMore]

Originally Posted by Ralphy

9 months later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

I smiled.

[ColdNoMore]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted to.








I was keeping the umbrella.

[ColdNoMore]

I saw a wino sitting on the curb... eating grapes out of a paper bag.


I told him...






"Dude, you gotta wait."

[ColdNoMore]

John: "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married." "Did you?"


Bob: "I'm not sure."



"What was your wife's maiden name?"

DEAR NEIGHBOR

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door.

I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled w/guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text, & I can’t live w/myself a minute longer w/o your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you’re not around, I’ve been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, & I know... that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live w/the guilt & hope you’ll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage & I’ll pay you.

Regards, Richard



*NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE: *Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.


2ND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.

Regards, Richard

[Ralphy]

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around!

[ColdNoMore]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

"Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.

“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.






"Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

[Ralphy]

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."