As he was getting into bed, she said: "You're drunk!"

He said: "How do you know?"

She said: "You live next door!"

QUOTE=BK001;1582467]As he was getting into bed, she said: "You're drunk!"

He said: "How do you know?"

She said: "You live next door!"[/QUOTE]
:BigApplause:

DATING SERVICE:

"Your application has been rejected due to your answer to question No. 6."

"A bullet" is not an acceptable answer to the question: "What do you want in a man".

I think we’ve found TV’s winning comedienne!!

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $250,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

Hahahahahahahaha

Excellent.

A married couple goes to a nightclub. There they see a man on the dance floor breaking out all the moves -- moonwalking, backflips etc.
The wife recognizes the dancer and says:

Wife: "Do you know that man proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down"

Husband: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

Keep Going BK, One More. Tell a Brooklyn Joke.

a blonde was in her fourth year as a ucla freashman,sat in her us government class. the professor asked the blonde if she knew what roe vs wadw was about. the blonde pondered the question, then,finally, said,that was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl:

I'm not sure The Villages could handle that but here's a cheat:

A Brooklyn man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news”.

“What’s the good news, Doc?’
You got 24 hours to live.”
What’s the bad news?”
I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

A Groaner
 

Thought better and didn't post the joke after all. Kinda racy.

:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl: Love this

Doc, I can't stop singing the "Green Green Grass of Home."

He said..."That sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"...I asked.





He replied..."It's not unusual."

Oh c'mon -- Just DO IT! As we used to say in Brooklyn "I got your back"

Dare you --
Double Dare you!

Ok - I'll go first.

Overhead:

This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her ample boobs when she said
“ Would you please press one?”

So I did.

I don’t remember much more after that.

Ok -- Here goes -- Don't read if you get easily offended -- You've been warned!

Two nuns were bicycling over cobblestones on the backroads of Rome.

The younger nun said to the elder: "I've never come this way before."

The older nun smiled and said: "I know".

Phyllis Diller said:

Do you know why your golf instructor keeps telling you to keep your head down?


So you won't see him laughing.

Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: "Windows are totally frozen, will not open."

Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”




15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally ruined.”



:D

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank.
He died and I married his frigging wife".

BRAVA! BRAVA! BRAVA! You know this is going into my memory collection. Really good. :bigbow:

So now you got me thinking ... hmmmmm....

In these politically charged times of sexual accusations, and the #MeToo movement, etc., the following ditty is probably appropriate:


Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing
Jack made a pass
And grabbed Jill's ass
Now Jack’s front teeth are missing!

A female resident of The Villages is out walking when she sees an attractive older man sitting on a bench.
They strike up a conversation and she asked, "Have you lived here long?"

"I bought in here 20 years ago."
She answered, "I've been here 15 years.
Why Haven't I seen you before?"

'I've been in prison for the last 17 years."
Looking amazed, she asked "What were you in for?"
"I murdered my first wife."

She looked at him sympathetically and asked "So you're single then?"

The Funeral Procession

Four golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough.

If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $200.
Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.

Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. One all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.

"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something."

"Well," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."

I've heard that joke before, but the punch line always surprises me. :evil6:

An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

OH SNAP! :1rotfl:

What does a Sadist do to a Masochist?

Nothing.

:1rotfl:

I'm guessing the anticipation from the masochist...would be debilitating.

You may just be on the right track.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

That's funny.

That's a beauty but I would watch out for Lightning! :boom:

You are so right -- I'd better get started on my very long bucket list, just in case!

Here's an old Rodney Dangerfield classic:

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Homework....
 

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anyone?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated...is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:"

(1)"...you have a dirty mind,"

(2)"...you didn't read your homework, and..."







(3)"...one day you are going to be very, very disappointed." :1rotfl:

A wife, while looking in a mirror, said to her husband,
“I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need a compliment right about now.”

Her husband answered: “Honey, you have damn near perfect eyesight”.

And then the fight began.

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of Starburst and a cold drink.








Nowadays...they have cameras everywhere.



:1rotfl:

:faint: