[Skip2MySue]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby
reads:

'Please note that
this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers
to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.

Customers
using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below
when accessing their
accounts.

After months
of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your
gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up
to the cash machine.
2. Put
down your car window.
3.
Insert card into machine and enter
PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash
required and withdraw.
5.
Retrieve card, cash and
receipt.
6. Put window
up.
7. Drive
off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is
really funny is that most of this part is the
truth!!!!)

1. Drive up
to cash machine.
2. Reverse
and back up to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking
brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell
phone you will call them back and hang
up.
6. Attempt to insert
card into machine.
7. Open
car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert
card.
9. Re-insert card the
right way.
10. Dig through
handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back
page.
11. Enter
PIN.
12. Press cancel and
re-enter correct PIN.
13.
Enter amount of cash
required.
14. Check makeup
in rear view mirror.
15.
Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash
inside.
17. Write debit
amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of
chequebook.
18. Re-check
makeup.
19. Drive forward 2
feet.
20. Reverse back to
cash machine.
21. Retrieve
card.
22. Re-empty hand bag,
locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty
look to irate male driver waiting behind
you.
24. Restart stalled
engine and pull off.
25.
Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking
Brake.

[dog friendly]

men, just have you wife do it, so it gets done, so when she looks at the bank statement and finds 7 withdrawls that you forgot to enter she won't panic. Do men give birth?

[justjim]

FUNNY but "just like something you would say Jim," said my wife. Let me tell you how it was with the ol' ladies when I was working at age 16 bagging in the grocery. When they would dig into their purse to find a couple of pennies.......SHUTUP!

[asianthree]

and that's why i go inside

[ilovetv]

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00..
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00


Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $25.95
Coffee free
Total $25.95

[dog friendly]

that sounds right to me, let the women do it, yes it takes us 9 months to give birth, but we continue to be productive up until the last minute. We then start feeding that baby soon after birth...... but we love you guys!!

[mickey100]

Originally Posted by ilovetv

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00..
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00


Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $25.95
Coffee free
Total $25.95

Love it!

[Joaniesmom]

Originally Posted by Skip2MySue

A new sign in the Bank Lobby
reads:

'Please note that
this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers
to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.

Customers
using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below
when accessing their
accounts.

After months
of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your
gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up
to the cash machine.
2. Put
down your car window.
3.
Insert card into machine and enter
PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash
required and withdraw.
5.
Retrieve card, cash and
receipt.
6. Put window
up.
7. Drive
off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is
really funny is that most of this part is the
truth!!!!)

1. Drive up
to cash machine.
2. Reverse
and back up to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking
brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell
phone you will call them back and hang
up.
6. Attempt to insert
card into machine.
7. Open
car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert
card.
9. Re-insert card the
right way.
10. Dig through
handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back
page.
11. Enter
PIN.
12. Press cancel and
re-enter correct PIN.
13.
Enter amount of cash
required.
14. Check makeup
in rear view mirror.
15.
Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash
inside.
17. Write debit
amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of
chequebook.
18. Re-check
makeup.
19. Drive forward 2
feet.
20. Reverse back to
cash machine.
21. Retrieve
card.
22. Re-empty hand bag,
locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty
look to irate male driver waiting behind
you.
24. Restart stalled
engine and pull off.
25.
Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking
Brake.

I find this offensive.

[2BNTV]

Just remember, "the battle of the sexes will be won by neither side, their is too much fraternizing".

[Happinow]

Thanks for the chuckle.....

[Indydealmaker]

Originally Posted by Joaniesmom

I find this offensive.

Surely, you jest!

[Joaniesmom]

Originally Posted by Indydealmaker

Surely, you jest!

Not the last time I checked.

[GaryW]

lady that works for us stopped at the local Tire and oil place by Wal-Mart to get oil changed. Said Her husband wanted to do it at the house, he did not trust those places. She told us that is horse poop and her husband doesnt know anything so she took it to them... 450.00 later she leaves there. What a expensive oil change.

They told her she needed new wipers, Fuel treatment cleaning,, and the service to get the sludge out of the engine. Plus they rotated and put air in the tires. Funny thing the car just got serviced at the dealer last oil change,,, did not need any of the extra stuff they sold her. Husband had just put new wipers on the week before because the old ones were wore out.
Now on the tires,,, he checked them when she got home,, one had 42 psi, 2 of them had 33 and the last one had 38.
So do not pick on the men wanting to work on their cars to much...

[thistrucksforyou]

Skip, that cracked me up.....Sue loved it to....and so much of it is true !

[thistrucksforyou]

Originally Posted by Joaniesmom

Not the last time I checked.

Who cares ! Want some cheese to go with that WHINE !