[mommieswamie]

Once again I am so heartened and comforted to see the incredible outpouring of support offered by the kind people of TOTV.

This has been such a learning experience. Indeed you can teach an old dog new tricks and the trick that I learned was when there are choices, just follow your heart and let it lead you to the sense of peace that comes with making the right decision. Internal conflicts will always reign when you do not listen to your inner voice. Peace, peace, Christmas with grandchildren, love, family support, being met next week at our new home by four family members, the calmness of my husband's voice - I could go on and on. It was a long time coming, but the right decision has been made.

As I said earlier, we are not selling this house. While it is clear that my husband's travel days are over, I still may turn up from time to time.

Thank you all so much.

[travelguy]

May God be with you in your journey.

[Schaumburger]

Best of luck to you and your husband and to your extended family. Peace of mind is a wonderful thing to have.

[mommieswamie]

As we spend our last few days here (but remember friends, we are not selling the house here and I may turn up again sometime) I would like to share a little of our journey here in The Villages. It has been an adventure and a good one in spite of illness, doctors, appointments, OT, PT, home health care, CNAs, medical equipment, hospitalizations, many many tears and so much physical pain and suffering.

Five years ago close friends in MD bought their retirement home here. I decided we needed a little vacation so off we went to The Villages for a five day vacation. We returned home five days later, homeowners complete with furniture from Southern Lifestyles. We had bought a villa. My husband was not sick yet and we thoroughly enjoyed our villa, entertaining family and friends. Well after one visit from family when we had 5 adults, 2 babies and 2 dogs in the villa for a week, we decided we needed a bigger house.

So - we built a premier house, the largest floor plan offered by The Villages. During the building of this house my husband was beginning to experience the neurological problems that are so difficult for him now. We moved into the house 2 weeks after his surgery at Mayo Clinic. We lived in the premier house for two years. We thoroughly enjoyed it, but his health was seriously declining and he was on home health care toward the end of that time. When it was apparent that just getting from the bedroom on one side of the house to the kitchen on the other side of the house was very hard for him, we decided to sell the house. As we had so much medical equipment and medical support people coming and going, I thought we should move out in order to sell the house. So we moved to a furnished villa, but amazingly we got a phone call in the car on the way to the villa. Friends of friends wanted to buy the house and the next day it was a done deal. We had already moved out, so I did not want to move my sick husband back in.

At this point the caregiving stress was becoming very obvious and I absolutely could not wrap my brain around buying another house at that point, so we rented a designer house for 6 months. At 4 months, I began to see my way clearly to buying another house here, so we bought a designer house with a beautiful pool which is where we live now. Some of you may remember my posting requesting help with personal business. I did find someone and she has been very very busy and so helpful.

Notice friends, not once did I consider moving closer to family and my husband was just too sick to make decisions.

Anyway, I just thought some of you might be interested and besides that - I think we hold the record - 5 different houses in The Villages. I think most most people live in 3.

With your permission, I will probably post a few more times. At some point this thread should conclude. I know that all of you have helped me. I hope in some way that I have helped you all. I feel that our journey really does not end until next Monday when we pull into our new home in SC where we will be met by 3 adult relatives and 2 beautiful baby granddaughters.

Once again, friends, peace reigns. Across the board, my friends and family are all saying that I seem so much more peaceful and sound so much better. My husband is working hard at the rehab hospital so that he will be whatever his personal best is for this trip.

Thank you all for listening and for caring. We will take every good wish that you all send with us on this trip as we go toward family, warmth and peace.

[Villages Kahuna]

Originally Posted by mommieswamie

How do you know when it is time to give up and move closer to your children. What are the signs? How and when do you make such a decision? I am sure that those of us who really want to leave this beautiful place are few and far between, but sometimes it becomes a necessity. So how do you know and what if you know it is time and you don't want to make the decision. You don't want to leave? Then what do you do?

Both my wife and I "did our duty" and took care of our parents in their final years--a lot of work and constant emotional stress. We've said to ourselves that we'd never want --or expect--our children to care for us that way. So our answer to the question you posed is NEVER. There are plenty of options for care, even fully assisted living, here in TV. When "our time" comes, that's what we're planning on.

[mommieswamie]

Originally Posted by Villages Kahuna

Both my wife and I "did our duty" and took care of our parents in their final years--a lot of work and constant emotional stress. We've said to ourselves that we'd never want --or expect--our children to care for us that way. So our answer to the question you posed is NEVER. There are plenty of options for care, even fully assisted living, here in TV. When "our time" comes, that's what we're planning on.

Very interesting answer. It is clear that my decision is not fully understood. I will address this further tomorrow when I am not so tired.

[Rbgold]

Mamieswamie,
As a "child" of an aging parent who still lives independently (in NJ and So Fla) and who has long term care Insurance (she never wanted to be a burden to her 3 daughters), I know that when she has been hospitalized for whatever reason I feel so much better when I am able to see her and visit her and give her a hug and tell her I love her. My sisters who live in Colorado feel the same as I do, but it is not as easy for them due to the distance. Pure and simple, it's LOVE that makes us do what we feel is best for all concerned - our spouses, our parents, our children, our family.
I wish you an easy journey and transition as you enter this next phase. You will be surrounded by the love and support of our family which is the best medicine for you, your husband and your precious family! God bless!

Rona

[senior citizen]

.........

[senior citizen]

...........

[mommieswamie]

Originally Posted by Villages Kahuna

Both my wife and I "did our duty" and took care of our parents in their final years--a lot of work and constant emotional stress. We've said to ourselves that we'd never want --or expect--our children to care for us that way. So our answer to the question you posed is NEVER. There are plenty of options for care, even fully assisted living, here in TV. When "our time" comes, that's what we're planning on.

Ok, I am not so tired now and have had time to reflect a bit. I feel absolutely no necessity to defend or explain our decision in any way, but as one who enjoys good conversation - here goes.

I think I can identify a little bit with what you are saying but in a slightly different area. I think that none of us wish to burden our children with whatever we felt burdened with with regard to our parents. In my case it was the accumulation of "stuff". When my mother died, I inherited the house that my sister and I grew up in. As it had been our family home for 55 years, it was indeed full. Now you might think, just take out a few important or nice things and get rid of the rest, but that was really not possible. Our parents loved to travel and our mother loved to shop plus she had excellent taste. The house was filled with beautiful family antiques, silver, oriental rugs, etc purchased along the way during their many travels. Plus they never threw anything way except obvious trash. It was a beautiful home filled with family treasures. Without going into details, it took me and my sister 10 years - yes 10 years - to sort through everything to either use ourselves in our homes or pass things on to our children. While it is wonderful to visit our children and see the beautiful things that I grew up with, I have vowed to my children that I will never burden them by leaving such a lifetime accumulation of things in one house.

So - back to the topic at hand - yes we are moving to be close to one of our children. Never for one minute did I think of this as a move so that our children could be more able to take care of us. It is a move toward warmth, love, smiling beautiful grandchildren and peace. Being the fiercely independent person that I am, I really do not want anyone taking care of me. I can take care of myself just fine. It is my husband who cannot take care of himself, so I am taking care of two people. The continuing care community where we will live has various living options. We will be living in the independent living area. I have arranged for caregivers to come in to care for my husband - notice, I said caregivers - not our children. The difference is grandchildren can also come over as can our daughter, her husband, their in-laws (whom we know quite well), plus we will be more centrally located for the rest of our 6 children and their families.

I remain solid and peaceful about this decision. We must all make the best choices possible for ourselves being guided by what just plain feels right and that is what I have done.

[senior citizen]

............

[CaptJohn]

May peace continue to be with you and yours. Thank you for sharing. It has been heartwarming for me.

[mommieswamie]

I love you all, even though I do not know you. Even though I have many friends and family members that I can share thoughts with as freely as I wish, the kindness of virtual strangers has been overwhelming.

Now for a lighthearted thought - my biggest worry about this move - yes I said biggest - is that we do not have any winter clothes, only FL clothes. Instead of attempting to buy a whole new wardrobe, I simply went on Amazon and purchased several pair of knee high socks to cover the distance between the bottom of my capri pants and my toes which are usually bare since I only have sandels to wear. Earlier this evening, I got a text from my husband - he no longer uses the computer but can still tap out things on an IPhone - saying that the doctor was just in to see him to advise him that he would need some good thick knee high socks for the trip.

Amazing - the only thing I have to worry about now is socks.

[CFrance]

Originally Posted by mommieswamie

I love you all, even though I do not know you. Even though I have many friends and family members that I can share thoughts with as freely as I wish, the kindness of virtual strangers has been overwhelming.

Now for a lighthearted thought - my biggest worry about this move - yes I said biggest - is that we do not have any winter clothes, only FL clothes. Instead of attempting to buy a whole new wardrobe, I simply went on Amazon and purchased several pair of knee high socks to cover the distance between the bottom of my capri pants and my toes which are usually bare since I only have sandels to wear. Earlier this evening, I got a text from my husband - he no longer uses the computer but can still tap out things on an IPhone - saying that the doctor was just in to see him to advise him that he would need some good thick knee high socks for the trip.Amazing - the only thing I have to worry about now is socks.

A good, safe journey to you in your capris and knee-highs! A difficult decision, but I'm sure you will be happy with it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[2BNTV]

Originally Posted by mommieswamie

Ok, I am not so tired now and have had time to reflect a bit. I feel absolutely no necessity to defend or explain our decision in any way, but as one who enjoys good conversation - here goes.

I think I can identify a little bit with what you are saying but in a slightly different area. I think that none of us wish to burden our children with whatever we felt burdened with with regard to our parents. In my case it was the accumulation of "stuff". When my mother died, I inherited the house that my sister and I grew up in. As it had been our family home for 55 years, it was indeed full. Now you might think, just take out a few important or nice things and get rid of the rest, but that was really not possible. Our parents loved to travel and our mother loved to shop plus she had excellent taste. The house was filled with beautiful family antiques, silver, oriental rugs, etc purchased along the way during their many travels. Plus they never threw anything way except obvious trash. It was a beautiful home filled with family treasures. Without going into details, it took me and my sister 10 years - yes 10 years - to sort through everything to either use ourselves in our homes or pass things on to our children. While it is wonderful to visit our children and see the beautiful things that I grew up with, I have vowed to my children that I will never burden them by leaving such a lifetime accumulation of things in one house.

So - back to the topic at hand - yes we are moving to be close to one of our children. Never for one minute did I think of this as a move so that our children could be more able to take care of us. It is a move toward warmth, love, smiling beautiful grandchildren and peace. Being the fiercely independent person that I am, I really do not want anyone taking care of me. I can take care of myself just fine. It is my husband who cannot take care of himself, so I am taking care of two people. The continuing care community where we will live has various living options. We will be living in the independent living area. I have arranged for caregivers to come in to care for my husband - notice, I said caregivers - not our children. The difference is grandchildren can also come over as can our daughter, her husband, their in-laws (whom we know quite well), plus we will be more centrally located for the rest of our 6 children and their families.

I remain solid and peaceful about this decision. We must all make the best choices possible for ourselves being guided by what just plain feels right and that is what I have done.

FWIW - I think you have made the right decision for you and your husband.
Being at peace within one's soul is priceless. I'm sure your children will feel better being closer and will want to help you with things that need to be done.

May you and your have a happy holiday season and a happy new year.