A guy walks into the library and asks the librarian "Do you have that book for men with small peni$es?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says "I don't know if it is in yet"

The guy says "Yeah thats the one"

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by Guest

A guy walks into the library and asks the librarian "Do you have that book for men with small peni$es?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says "I don't know if it is in yet"

The guy says "Yeah thats the one"

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

It is probably checked out a lot by Donald Trump zealots.

"Donald Trump still hasn't released his tax returns, 12 women have accused him of sexual assault, and he's going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media's talking about is emails.


It's like if during the O.J. trial everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration." –Seth Meyers

Still funny. Not as amusing now that Trump is President of the United States.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! * Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

HOLY HUMOR

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not*recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms." THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to,"*the boy replied.
"Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Guy goes into a bar where there’s a robot bartender!
The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey.” The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says,” 168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey.” Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey,” and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”
The robot leans in real close and says, “SO, . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Obamacare?”

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

===
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."

You gotta love Grandmas!
===

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

===

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

===

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "

Originally Posted by Guest

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

===
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."

You gotta love Grandmas!
===

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

===

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

===

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "

Those are pretty good Joe De Vito.

Q & A form jokes

Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.

Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they're boring.

Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?
A: A jury.

Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.
Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
A: Senator.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
A: Taller
Q: What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick falls off when you are dead.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
Q: Know how copper wire was invented?
A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: Their lips are moving.
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

A group of couples went to a Sean nos( irish set dance) in Boynton Beach.

There was a man, well into his 80's and had a very big nose, that had a step we had never seen before.

Myself and Mary went over and compliment him on his dance step and asked if he would show us how to do it.

His wife grabed his arm and said "No, he's not showing you anything"

Taken back by her reaction, we walked back to our table.
I said to Mary, "Geez, he's too old to do anything, what is she worried about."

"Well, said Mary, "He could use his nose"

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
"at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Originally Posted by Guest

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
"at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

I am going to steal that one.

Tyrone was having trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone; can't you learn anything?

One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career. Tyrone’s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner

If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Hillary

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the
young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.. The
father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping
him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps
choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, and places it on
the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of
the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first,
and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a
word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS.’

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need
were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our
porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a
$10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."