John went to the Dentist with a bad toothache and the Dentist told him he need an extraction.

Dentist said" I'll give you novocaine"

"No, said John, it never works on me"

"I'll give you some gas"

"No, said John, I get very sick from that"

"Well, said the dentist, the only thing left is viagra"

"What will that do"

" It will give you something to hold on to, when I pull the tooth"

Originally Posted by Guest

John went to the Dentist with a bad toothache and the Dentist told him he need an extraction.

Dentist said" I'll give you novocaine"

"No, said John, it never works on me"

"I'll give you some gas"

"No, said John, I get very sick from that"

"Well, said the dentist, the only thing left is viagra"

"What will that do"

" It will give you something to hold on to, when I pull the tooth"

That's a good one. This is the person labelled wackadoodle with the library thread BTW. And this was not done for fun. The Title of the Thread I mean but some of these jokes are funny.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, but he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't
seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as
well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared
at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for
staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my
hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best
to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.
I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet
for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see you drink like a fish."

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies poop their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper' em. When old people poop their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Today I had to go to the mall. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"

Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your Obama bumper sticker, and I just assumed that you suffered from some sort of mental disorder."

She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:



"Will I be acquitted?"

Heartwarming Lawyer Story


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree"
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.


They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

Did you really think there was a heart-warming lawyer story?
Look at Congress -- over 300 LAWYERS

Paddy the farmer was in his field and a tinker van pulled up to ask directions. Out comes 7 children. Paddy scratched his head and said " 7 children, I'v been married 5 years and nothing has happened. Can you give me some advice?

Well, said the tinker, " You go to town and buy a beautiful night gown and flowers."

Okay, what do I do next"

" You take her out to the best restaurant for a wonderful dinner, and the best wine"

"Okay, what do I do next"

"Come home and have her take a relaxing bath, and more wine.

Okay, what do I do next"

Have her get into bed"

Okay, what do I do next"

Then, you call me"

Thanks for the laughs!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

When Paddy Murphy came to the states, he looked in the classifieds for a job. The only one he saw was for a forest ranger. Although he knew nothing about it he decided he would apply for the job.

The boss asked a few questions and then took him to a large oak tree. "Now Paddy, can you identify the back of the tree.

Paddy looked it up and down, walked all around it, and then pointed " That's the back"

The boss said" and how did you determined that"

Paddy said " Because someone took a sh.t behind it"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

A librarian was working late one night at a small-town library. She had the door open for a breeze, and a chicken walked in, hopped up on the desk, and said, "Book, book, book!"
The librarian was a bit startled, but she quickly handed the chicken three books. The chicken put one under each wing, one in its beak, and walked out.
A few minutes later, the chicken returned, dropped those three books on the floor, hopped up on the counter, and said, "Book, book, book!"
Once again, the librarian gave the chicken three books, the chicken tucked one under each wing, took the third in its beak, and walked out.
It must be a full moon tonight, thought the librarian, getting back to her work. Of course, since everything in jokes comes in threes, the chicken came back. It dropped the books on the floor, hopped up, and said, "Book, book, book!"
This time, the librarian decided to get to the bottom of this. She gave three books to the chicken, and when it walked away, she followed it. They went across the parking lot, down into a ditch, and through a damp culvert. Good thing I wore my sensible shoes, she thought. They emerged into a little moonlit pool. There, the chicken stopped in front of the largest bullfrog the librarian had ever seen. He took one look at the books the chicken was carrying and croaked, "Read it, read it, read it!"

Q: What happens when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
A: You get all the information you want, but you can't understand it.