[Madelaine Amee]

I am usually more of a lurker on this site, but this past Christmas a very dear friend of mine lost her husband very suddenly and I am sure there are many women who have faced this and have some good suggestions to get her through it. She is not a church goer so suggestions for religious help will not work for her.

He died instantly two days before Christmas while they were visiting family. She is returning to her home in TV this coming week and I would really appreciate some input from ladies who have been through this dreadful experience and come out the other end.

Clubs for widows? She is a recently retired nurse from a prestigious Boston hospital - maybe volunteer at TV hospital? Women's groups. What to do at night when she has to be alone in the house.

Any and all suggestions would be extremely helpful and much appreciated.

[Parker]

When my mother died my father went for a couple meetings to a grief support group at the local hospice facility. He didn't want to go but was talked into it by a friend. It turned out to be very helpful as the attendees were in the exact same situation and that recognition made him realize he was not alone. He met someone there who has become a long-term friend. They've been a comfort to each other.

God bless your poor friend. I can't imagine that terrible loss.

[redwitch]

I am so sorry to hear of your friend's loss. Grief support groups can be a very helpful thing. So can volunteering and being active. Let her find her own way but be there to hold her hand and listen. She's lucky to have a friend who cares so much about her. Blessings to you both.

There is a group of ladies that meet Saturday evenings at the El Santiago Rec Center at 7:00 pm. The majority are widows, several lost their husbands quite suddenly (one while playing tennis). Ages range from 60s to 80s. These women frequently do things together during the week as well. Your friend would be more than welcome to join them.

[Madelaine Amee]

Originally Posted by Parker

When my mother died my father went for a couple meetings to a grief support group at the local hospice facility. He didn't want to go but was talked into it by a friend. It turned out to be very helpful as the attendees were in the exact same situation and that recognition made him realize he was not alone. He met someone there who has become a long-term friend. They've been a comfort to each other.

God bless your poor friend. I can't imagine that terrible loss.

I think this is exactly what could help her - a grief support group and I am hoping someone who visits this chat room will know of one here in TV. Right now her grief is raw and very painful.

[Madelaine Amee]

Originally Posted by redwitch

I am so sorry to hear of your friend's loss. Grief support groups can be a very helpful thing. So can volunteering and being active. Let her find her own way but be there to hold her hand and listen. She's lucky to have a friend who cares so much about her. Blessings to you both.

There is a group of ladies that meet Saturday evenings at the El Santiago Rec Center at 7:00 pm. The majority are widows, several lost their husbands quite suddenly (one while playing tennis). Ages range from 60s to 80s. These women frequently do things together during the week as well. Your friend would be more than welcome to join them.

Thank you so much for this information, just what I was looking for. To be able to get out on a Saturday evening with companions who know how she feels would be great. Of course, you all must know, she is going to kill me when she finds out what I have done on this chat line!

[graciegirl]

Originally Posted by Madelaine Amee

I think this is exactly what could help her - a grief support group and I am hoping someone who visits this chat room will know of one here in TV. Right now her grief is raw and very painful.

I know one wonderful woman, new to The Villages who lost her husband last December. She came to the brunch I had recently for TOTV girls.


I wish we had a "soft place to fall" monthly get together just for those women who are having sadness for any reason. AND for those who are lonely. I am going to think about how that might happen.


I am pretty sure that I have heard of a grief support group here. Bogie always finds out those things somehow. I hope he reads this and posts. I will call Hospice this morning and ask them.


I am glad she has you to begin with. Please call on us for anything that might come to your mind that could help.

[Madelaine Amee]

Originally Posted by graciegirl

I know one wonderful woman, new to The Villages who lost her husband last December. She came to the brunch I had recently for TOTV girls.


I wish we had a "soft place to fall" monthly get together just for those women who are having sadness for any reason. AND for those who are lonely. I am going to think about how that might happen.

Gracie, this is a great idea. When I am just browsing on the chat line I notice so many women hurting, and probably men too, who may just need to sit and talk.

[CFrance]

She will also need some privacy to grieve. I went through this when a friend lost her husband the same way, instantly. She was hurting so badly, and it hurt so much to see her out the window taking a walk or bike ride by herself.

I finally asked my pastor, how do you help your best friend in that situation, and he said to think/say, I cannot take away your pain, but I can hold your hand. So we remaining five pulled the wagons around but tried to perceive when to back off.

She was 54 and not looking to remarry, when lo and behold last year... Happy Ending!

[McP1605]

I lost my husband of 36 years and my best friend forever last February. The best piece of advice I can give you is... LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND! She will help you to know what she needs. Everyone's experience with death is different and everyone grieves differently. I can tell you that I tried a support group and it was a huge disaster for me. For me, it just seemed like a bunch of people trying to outdo each other on who had the saddest story. But, I have friends who love their support groups. It's probably a good idea for her to try one, but respect her decision. Just because she is grieving doesn't mean she can't make decisions for herself. The one thing that absolutely drove me crazy... and still does... is for people to say to me "it will get easier with time!" Don't say that to someone whose heart is breaking. After 10 months I can tell you it doesn't get easier, it gets harder. Somehow you do learn to contain your emotions better, but living without them does not get any easier. And, a big surprise for me has been that it isn't the big holidays/birthdays that are hard. People surround you on those days you get through them. It is the every day that is the hardest. It is eating every meal alone. It is waking up alone. It is watching TV alone. It is going places alone and feeling like a fish out of water. Invite her places. Do things with her. Help her through the mounds of paperwork and financial decisions she is going to have to make. Let her cry. People get so uncomfortable when people cry so you try not to cry around people. Which means you are home sobbing alone. Let her talk about him. It is amazing how people never talk about him after he is gone. All I want to do is talk about him. I want people to know him, but people think you will break if you talk about him. Grieve for him too. For some reason, I was drawn to people who were grieving and missing him too. And, most of all, just remember you are a good friend who can definitely help, but the fact is, you can't replace him. She is going to have to find a path that she can live on her own. She can do it. Help her to find out how incredibly strong she is. Best of all she lives in The Villages. If she is willing, there are so many nice people here that will help her through this. And... finally.... if you or she would like to private message me, I would love to talk with you. I moved here alone, I still feel so very alone and I would love to try to help someone else through this terrifying and almost impossible path. My love and prayers to her.

[K.C.Boyd]

I also lost my husband a week before Christmas (his favorite holiday) very sudden also, no warning. This was now 6 years ago and still have a broken heart, was married for 41 years. When this happens people do not know what to say at least I didn't before it was me. Sorry works but I know how you feel does not. I could not have gotten thru without my girlfriends. I also went to a hospice counselor but didn't get much from it and am not a church person either. Everyone is different and time does help but there is no cure.

I moved here last year to somewhat start again and I find staying busy,busy works for me. Hope this helps a little so wish your friend the best and to hang in there.

[RETIREDSFW]

New grief share group starts January 14, 2014 at First Baptist Church At The Villages. Contact Bernie Cairelli at 352-874-9589.

[graciegirl]

Originally Posted by McP1605

I lost my husband of 36 years and my best friend forever last February. The best piece of advice I can give you is... LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND! She will help you to know what she needs. Everyone's experience with death is different and everyone grieves differently. I can tell you that I tried a support group and it was a huge disaster for me. For me, it just seemed like a bunch of people trying to outdo each other on who had the saddest story. But, I have friends who love their support groups. It's probably a good idea for her to try one, but respect her decision. Just because she is grieving doesn't mean she can't make decisions for herself. The one thing that absolutely drove me crazy... and still does... is for people to say to me "it will get easier with time!" Don't say that to someone whose heart is breaking. After 10 months I can tell you it doesn't get easier, it gets harder. Somehow you do learn to contain your emotions better, but living without them does not get any easier. And, a big surprise for me has been that it isn't the big holidays/birthdays that are hard. People surround you on those days you get through them. It is the every day that is the hardest. It is eating every meal alone. It is waking up alone. It is watching TV alone. It is going places alone and feeling like a fish out of water. Invite her places. Do things with her. Help her through the mounds of paperwork and financial decisions she is going to have to make. Let her cry. People get so uncomfortable when people cry so you try not to cry around people. Which means you are home sobbing alone. Let her talk about him. It is amazing how people never talk about him after he is gone. All I want to do is talk about him. I want people to know him, but people think you will break if you talk about him. Grieve for him too. For some reason, I was drawn to people who were grieving and missing him too. And, most of all, just remember you are a good friend who can definitely help, but the fact is, you can't replace him. She is going to have to find a path that she can live on her own. She can do it. Help her to find out how incredibly strong she is. Best of all she lives in The Villages. If she is willing, there are so many nice people here that will help her through this. And... finally.... if you or she would like to private message me, I would love to talk with you. I moved here alone, I still feel so very alone and I would love to try to help someone else through this terrifying and almost impossible path. My love and prayers to her.

I thank you for this. I have printed it and have put it in a place to read again. I send caring thoughts. There are so many of us who care. You can cry in my presence.

[Madelaine Amee]

I just want to say thank you to all for your words of wisdom. I have copied each and every one of your posts and will give my friend the folder when she has settled back into life here. Your kindness and thoughtfulness for someone you have never met just reinforces in me that The Villages is the very best place to be at our time of life.