[DickY]

Actual Letters received by the Welfare Department

I am forwarding a marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died, which was baptized on a half piece of paper.

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years ago. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had clothes for a year, and has been visited regularly by clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.

I am very annoyed to find out you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 5 children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?

I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want money quickly as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks, and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

[DickY]

Actual Auto Insurance Statements

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

Going to work this morning, I drove out of my driveway straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.

I realized the engine was on fire from the smoke under the hood. I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman...as he bounced off the roof of my car.

No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

No one was to blame for the accident, but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road, causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.

[Barefoot]

Originally Posted by DickY

Actual Auto Insurance Statements
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.

Thanks DickY, some of these are extremely funny .. nothing feels better than laughing out loud. :bigthumbsup:

[REDCART]

Fred the Cowboy

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire
seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher
came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher
became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up
from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher
marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment
he returned with the manager. Together the two of
them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with
no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger
surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right
buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned. "My name's Fred."

"Well, then -- where ya from, Fred?" asked the
Ranger in an effort to strike up a friendly conversation.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving
a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."

[chuckinca]

> > Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter
> >work on a Habitat for Humanity house.. Carol, who was nailing down house
> >siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss

> >it over her shoulder or nail it in.
> >
> > Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
> >throwing those nails away?"
> >
> > Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
> >them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
> >
> > Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails
> >aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house.
> >
> > ==========================================
> >
> > A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the
> >tip of her index finger shot off.
> >
> > "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
> >
> > "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
> >
> > "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
> >shooting off your finger?"
> >
> > "No, Silly," the blonde said, "first I put the gun to my chest, and
> >then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not
shooting
> >myself in the chest."
> >
> > "So then?" asked the doctor.
> >
> > "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid
> >$3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the
> >mouth."
> >
> > "So then?" asked the doctor.
> >
> > "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to
> >make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the

> >trigger.
> >
> > ===========================================
> >
> > A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really
> >bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took
it
> >to a repair shop.
> >
> > The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have
> >some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
> >and all the dents would pop out.
> >
> > So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and
> >started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little

> >harder, and still nothing happened.
> >
> > Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?"
> >
> > The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to
> >blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
> >
> > The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to
> >roll up the windows first.."
> >
> > ==========================================
> >
> > Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
> >movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the winter'.
> >
> > =========================================
> >
> > A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver
> >thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it
> >to the clerk to ask what it was.
> >
> > The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot,
> >and cold things cold."
> >
> > "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!" So
> >she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
> >
> > Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.
> >
> > "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot and cold things
> >cold," she replied.
> >
> > Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
> >
> > The blond replied ... "Two popsicles and some coffee."
> >
> > ==========================================
> >
> > AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
> >
> > A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
> >
> > Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
> >
> > The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying
> >that my mother had passed away."
> >
> > The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for
> >the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."
> >
> > "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it,
> >and I have the best chance of doing that here."
> >
> > The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of
> >hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from
> >his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.. "What's so bad now?

> >Are you going to be okay?" he asks.
> >
> > "No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my
> >sister. Her mother died, too!"
> >
> > That's all for now folks...

[REDCART]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children
and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The
father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which
the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and
Papa said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you
about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

[richman]

http://www.zippyvideos.com/906516535...h-compilation/

[chelsea24]

Richman, we don't agree on many things, but that's funny! :bigthumbsup:

[REDCART]

HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor
of the church's Morals, kept sticking her nose in to
other people's business. Several Members did not
approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared
Her enough to maintain their silence. She made a
mistake, however, when she accused George, a new
member, Of being an alcoholic after she saw his old
pickup parked in front of The town's only bar one
afternoon. She emphatically told George
(and several others) that everyone seeing it there
would know what he was doing. George, a man of few
words, stared at her for a moment and just turned And
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He
said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly
parked his pickup in front of Mildred' s
house...walked home...and left it there all nigh t!!!

You gotta love George!

[REDCART]

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahama s , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullsht might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird si nging and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shts is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sht, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[chuckinca]

http://hall4bc04.org/1977_2007.htm

[chuckinca]

SHORT AND TO THE POINT
Garfield on the oil crisis


A lot of folks can't understand how we came

To have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

And

Texas

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

Are located in

Washington, D C !!!

Any Questions???



NO? Didn't think So.

[REDCART]

[size=12pt]GIVING UP WINE

I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless
woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?'
I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?'
I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.'
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[REDCART]

Gotta love women over 50 . . .

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks . . .

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think . . .

I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said not only am I healthy but . . .

I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies . . .

"What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[chuckinca]

I was walking past the
mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients
were shouting,
'13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over,
but I saw a little knot hole in one of the
the planks, so I
looked through to see what
was going on.....

Some ******* poked me in
the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...