[chuck90199]

A group of four guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One of them got transferred to another city. It just wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined the Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you guys next week?”

The three men looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say “yes” but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early... at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, “Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed.

Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, “I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed.

The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.

They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushed, and grinned. “That's easy,” she said. “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed. If it was pointing to the left, I golfed left-handed.”

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, “But what if it's pointing straight up?”

She said, “Then, I'm fifteen minutes late.”

[69Ludwigs]

She was rabid country music fan and after leaving the local watering hole late one Saturday night and quite drunk got a couple of tattoos...Johnny Cash on her left thigh and Buck Owens on her right thigh. She showed them to a friend the next day and who said "I recognize Johnny and Buck but the one in the middle looks like Willy Nelson."

[skyguy79]

This isn't a joke, but what I saw in it did gave me the best laugh I've had this month!

[CFrance]

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to
her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in
my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than
a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO
Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out
of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God!
You even sent me a Professional!"

[Taltarzac725]

Originally Posted by skyguy79

This isn't a joke, but what I saw in it did gave me the best laugh I've had this month!

Well as long as no train comes down the train tracks, they should be A-OK!

[skyguy79]

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? (a true story)

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.

[69Ludwigs]

What did The Grateful Dead say when they ran out of pot?

"Man, this music really sucks!"

[skyguy79]

One day a Villager, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Villager.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Holy smokes! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good cold bottle of beer?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a bottle and hands it to him. He opens the bottle, takes a long swig and says, "It's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

[jmarkohio]

Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and
challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you
like.

[skyguy79]

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C. "Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort. I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a very friendly community!

[skyguy79]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

[skyguy79]

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport this morning as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. Although he did not identify the man, he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as 'unknowns' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.” The Attorney General went on to say “Teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is dangerous and puts our government at risk.”

[69Ludwigs]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to look for some handyman-type work and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. the blonde replies, “Thath better but, they thtill feel thort'a tight.”


A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"


A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."


What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "OMG, donut seeds!"

[CFrance]

Okay, I can't believe I'm doing this to my gender, but...

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

uoıdɯɐɥɔ ʞǝǝs u, ǝpıɥ plɹoʍ 2002 ǝɥʇ

[skyguy79]

Originally Posted by '69Ludwigs

A blonde, etc...

A group of blonds are currently gathering at LSL. They're planning their strategy on how to deal with the blond jokes. They'll probably only attack with water pistols, but if you need to go into the witness protection program, I have connections!

Originally Posted by CFrance

Okay, I can't believe I'm doing this to my gender, but...

Men can be a blonds too you know!