[REDCART]

Tony Soprano told this joke and I thought it was cute -- enjoy!


An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for
the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral
for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Ah, the Italians...

[GERALDINE]

Three generations of men are playing golf one day and their 4th is a beautiful, voluptuous woman.

On the 18th green, the woman has a 40' putt for her first Eagle ever. Wanting desperately to make this eagle putt, she says to the 3 men, "to whichever one of you can give me the right line to this putt...so that I make it, I will give them the BEST time of their lives tonight".


The young son, eagerly approaches her ball, surveys it from all angles and pronounces that, "it will go down the incline and break slightly from left to right at about 2" from the hole".


The Dad is next and he too studies the approach from all angles and proclaims, "no, I don't think so, there's another slight incline after the first and I say the ball will break right to left about 1 foot from the hole".


Grandpa, stands steadfast, doesn't survey the ball or the line it may take, and simply says, "it's a gimme"!!!


AHHHH the wisdom of age!!!! ;D

[REDCART]

DATING IN 1957

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up
his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with
his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes
to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and
invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why
don't you have a seat?" she says.

He says, "That's cool."

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning
to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just
go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go
out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold
and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue
really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to
ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the
evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in
her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and
announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts
his date out the front door while Mom is saying,
"Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for
Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled
Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door
behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom!
The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!

[REDCART]

[color=navy]The Zen of Sarcasm

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.!

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

[REDCART]

My wife tells me that many of these jokes are "men's humor." OK, so here's one for the ladies....

Women Beware (funny)

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidney was
stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was
an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just
that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.
The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a
cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and
what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally,
hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in sweats and Sheer Energy
pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.

My ass was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match
my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my
new ass was attached at least t hree inches lower than my original. Now, my rear
complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was
fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms
swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary.
My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and how fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something
like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair,
I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next?

My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.
Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really i sn't plastic that those
surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you?
I think I finally found my thighs, and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and
they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in
my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

[REDCART]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded: "Oh.! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

[REDCART]

$30,000.00 Funeral

Joe died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his widow, Helen, turned
to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who then lowered her voice and
leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the
Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

[REDCART]

Don't know if anyone has found anything humorous here over the past month. It's probably time to begin a new thread...well maybe tomorrow being June 1st.

Some Thoughts ....

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. Think about this. No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos and RAP music will be the Golden Oldies?

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

[KenMac]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got
out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off
the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the
accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But,
before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked
up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the
same, no matter how hard the body shop will try to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are
so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

(scroll down)















"MY ROLEX!"

[REDCART]

THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

1. THE COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

ON COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our
government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago,
right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington?
And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate
11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

ON THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq, why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

ON THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments in a courthouse........
You cannot post
"Thou Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie"
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates
a hostile work environment.

[REDCART]

Politics

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this..

A young boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,
he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand
the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep S _H _ IT

[REDCART]

Surrogate Father

MAKING A BABY...

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their
family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith
kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now;
the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the
bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You
can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different positions
and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll
be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm
sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the
top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her
throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide
with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than
three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing
and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when
darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,
when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually
chewed on your, uh ...equipment? "

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll
set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand
very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted..... ....

[REDCART]

SMART DOG

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,
and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a redlight,
look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the
timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front
and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher
follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes
back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the
garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy:
"What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds,

"Genius, yeah...sure. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[REDCART]

Celibacy Alert

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or it can be a condition imposed by certain unintentional displays of stupidity, to wit:

While attending a marriage therapy weekend, Walter and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know what is important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

[KenMac]

For all you golfers... (old but still apropos!)
# 10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old. "
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.