[REDCART]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love with a strange woman. The wife became immediately upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to
Me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I
want a divorce right away!"

The husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can
tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words
you'll say to me!"

So, the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home from work and this lady here asked me for a ride to the shelter.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her
and so let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas the meal I made you for dinner last night - the ones you wouldn't
eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured
them in moments..

Since she needed a good clean up, I suggested she jump in the
shower, and while she was doing that I realized her clothes were dirty and
full of holes and weren't worth laundering, so I threw them away.

Since she is about the same size as you are and because she needed
clothes, I gave her those designer jeans that I gave you a couple
of years ago as a 'just-because', but you won't use because you say
they aren't the right designer..

I found the pretty blouse my sister gave you for Christmas last
year that you don't use just to annoy her.

I also gave her the underwear that I gave you as a gift on our
anniversary, which you don't use because 'I don't have good taste',
and I also gave her those boots you bought at the expensive boutique
and won't use because someone at work has the same pair."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so
Grateful for my generous compassion and help, as I walked her to the door, she
turned to me with tears of gratitude in her eyes and said, "Please,
sir...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[KenMac]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.



George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "No". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door, and an officer would be along when available.



George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!=


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++


EMERGENCY ROOM

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.



(Border Patrol Patch - just in case the image does not come through!)
It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat, too.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, but this one is real, and
it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only
want to see you naked.

:edit:I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. :joke:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabethdie on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The angel chuckles and says, "Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, but, even in Heaven, a royal flush
beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++=

Husband's marriage seminar.

At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on
his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all
these years. Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to
treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I
took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you
are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."Luigi proudly
replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +


*22 CAT Sayings*

1 "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on
your computer."-- Bruce Graham [ [… Not more than once!!]]

2 "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."-- Unknown

3 "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this."-- Anonymous

4 "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow."-- Jeff Valdez

5 "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."-- English proverb

6 "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."-- Ellen Perry Berkeley

7 "One cat leads to another."-- Ernest Hemingway

8 "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
later."-- Mary Bly

9 "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."-- Joseph
Wood Krutch

10 "People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."-- Faith
Resnick

11 "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned
by cats."-- Anonymous

12 "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior."-- Hippolyte Taine

13 "No heaven will Heaven be, unless my cats are there to welcome me."--
Unknown

14 "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and
cats."-- Albert Schweitzer

15 "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."-- Ernest Menaul

16 "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."-- Unknown

17 "Time spent with cats is never wasted."-- Unknown

18 "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well."-- Missy Dizick

19 "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange
cats."-- Colonial American proverb

20 "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want."-- Joseph Wood Krutch

21 "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."

22 "My husband said it was him or the cat ... sometimes I miss him!"

[chuckinca]

Scotch Humor:


BONO , lead singer of the band U2, is famous in the entertainment
> industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a U2
> concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total
> quiet. Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands,
> once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he
> said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands a child in
> Africa dies"
> A voice with a broad Glaswegian accent in the front of the crowd
> pierced the quiet ... "Well , foockin' stop doing it then, ya evil
> basturd!"

[chuckinca]

What does the Yellow Light Mean?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mrJKB1MtHk

[bamafan]

That was the best laugh I've had in a long while Thanks Chuck

[Muncle]

The clip at this link is hilarious:

http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_h...s/2041059#vt=1

and then there's ~~

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You ma y die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness But it does bring you a more pleasant form of
misery.
-- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's ti me for my
nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . As you grow older, it will avoid
you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) Or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law: (Gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
Compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately
as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
soul s enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the Increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell
has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby Proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[chuckinca]

More Scottish Humor:

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the
prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over
the top of
her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it
back.”

[Bella]

OLD FOLKS...

Remember...Old Folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in the kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomaches I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then...

Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me to get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charley Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes up a lot of my time and attention. As soon as he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay...WHAT A LIFE!!!

P.S.
The Preacher came to call the other day and said that at my age I should be thinking of the Hereafter. I told him "Oh, I do all the time...no matter where I am...whether it be in the parlour, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement...I ask myself...
"WHAT AM I HERE AFTER?"

[chuckinca]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
> Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
>
> Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
> first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
>
> The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
> The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
> employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
> backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>
> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men

> march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed

> up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
> really beginning to pile up.
>
> At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
> Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
> marbles.
>
> The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric,
> wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little
> package between Elmo's legs.
>
> The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of
> hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.
>
> "I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
> think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."Your job
> is to give Elmo two test tickles."
>

[villages07]

chuckinca....oh, that was too cute. Below is a joke sent to me by a friend...sounds like they could be talking about The Villages:

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and
wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be
the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

[bamafan]

Chuck loved the tickle me elmo.

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item , pays the $500, and takes it home.



He presents it to his w ife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

Bump.

[Casino]

Old People thing!!!! Ain't this the truth???



While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week
You can do your part by remembering to contact at
least one unstable person to show you care.
Well....my job is done. Your turn!

[beady]

Very appropriate TV humor. 1rnfl 1rnfl 1rnfl

[jht]

Bump.